Pain to the Power of 3

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Does anyone know exactly what the collar bone does?

Because using the pain of breaking it as a guide it should be the most important bone in the body.

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We were out on a Level 3 Exclaim Tour. I was literally pottering along, riding 'The Beast' (KTM 525 MXC Racing), and generally enjoying an easy going Tour.

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Approaching a gentle 3 degree right hander, with less than 1 degree camber, I looked over my shoulder to see how our Exclaim guest was doing.

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Now what happened next is a bit of a mystery... I didn't "come off" the bike, I didn't crash the bike... it seems 'The Beast' decided to spit me off with a rate of acceleration usually only found at NASA sites.

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For those interested in the technicalities, it was a lightening-quick front-end wash out on ground that was rock solid clay, with a (highly invisible) greasy film, from the previous day's rain.

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90 kgs accelerating at a rate of 50m/s/s/s in just 3 metres landed squarely on the shoulder... all the force through the collar bone who immediately said "fuck this" and decided to shatter into numerous parts.

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And then... pain to the power of 3 - forget your whingeing ladies, I'd rather give birth to twin rhinoceros' (what is the plural for rhinoceros?).

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Funny thing pain - the first instinct is to try and crawl away from it. This doesn't work.

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David (Steenson) and Lawrence rode up, and David for once was not laughing... he was crying... (c@&t)

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I mumbled something and started walking the 400 metres to the nearby road. I started reasoning and pleading with God. I climbed up the road and approached a nearby house.

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Credit to the Cypriot family who helped me, as with all the carbon fibre / kevlar full body armour and pain contorted face, I looked like the Predator emerging from the bush.



They kindly called the ambulance and offered me water, coffee, cake and pastries... (only in Cyprus).



I was sitting in a chair 30 metres from the main road, quietly rocking and moaning like a Buddhist monk.



The ambulance arrived. I got up to walk. They stopped me and insisted on strapping me to a 6 foot board and trolley to roll me down the 30 metres of old cobblestone road.

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Words can not possibly describe the pain of that short 30 metre trolley trip. I pleaded with them to let me walk. They refused.

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Suffice to say, I now have something of a cobblestone phobia.



I was "bounced" into the ambulance. Tears were streaming. I was pleading for some painkillers, or a hammer, or something...



Then the ambulance took off. At this point I could not help but laugh... the driver made Juan Pablo Montoya seem smooth, graceful and a little Laura Ashley.



I was still laughing | crying | cringing as they rolled me into Limassol General A & E.



I remember being surrounded by nurses who were cutting off my armour and top. One turned to me and said "You've been here before, haven't you?"



I laughed... and passed out.